Mummy Sabbatical 101, I’m leaving the Kids!

Mummy Sabbatical 101

I’m leaving the Kids!

378449_10150384008766090_553836089_8885164_1269264940_n

By Tracey Groombridge

©

Here’s the thing I don’t think I’m a selfish person or a terrible parent (well at least not most days), but every time I bring up that I take a week or so each year away from my family as a “mummy sabbatical” to recharge my batteries, family and friends look at me with combination of surprise and disgust. They splutter things like “you’re doing what”? Anyone would have thought I had told them I was running off to have an affair with Prince Charles!

For approximately 355 days of the year like most women with families I give most of my time, energy and resources to the people who matter most, my family. Sure every now and then I might treat myself with a girls night out, a movie or a tacky magazine but most of the time I’m thinking about how I can support and improve the lives of my family, even when I’m at my paid day job.

Once a year I take 5-10 days leave from my family to attend to my needs. I can do anything I choose from visiting a friend to attending a silent retreat (not that I have tried the second option yet). I can eat out, not eat at all, watch movies, read, sing, laugh, dance, cry, cook, swim, in fact I can do anything that supports me as a woman to get back in touch with who I am, what I want in life and reflect on how I’m actually going. A “mummy sabbatical” allows me to do 4 things:

  • Re-charge
  • Learn something new
  • Reflect on the past and improve on the future.
  • Unplug from daily routine (even unplug from the online world)

After all we wouldn’t conduct our paid working life without reviewing how we are going or taking annual leave to rest up; then why should we treat being a mum any different, after all it’s the most important job there is. If we don’t take a break in life we burn out and we shatter, which makes us ineffective parents and unhappy and unsatisfied human beings.

I know what you’re about to say, but this sabbatical stuff is only for middle class women who are working right and who have choices?

Actually it’s for all women especially women who do not get a break from 24/7 on call parenting.  I truly believe we were not supposed to do this parenting gig solo, we were supposed to do it with the village supporting us.

The retreat doesn’t have to be a week in Vegas or to the Maldives; but we do have to get some space to think and reflect sometimes. This space might be at a friend’s house for a weekend or overnight. If what if we don’t have a babysitter you need to find a good one, it’s one of the best resources you will use in your parenting life. Find out from your local education institution if there are people studying childcare who would like to be your sitter, swap favours with friends, do anything but find a trustworthy, loyal, reliable sitters. There are some communities that will exchange babysitting services for other things like free haircuts or car washing.  Utilise your family if you’re lucky enough to have them around. You need time away from your kids once in a while and they need time away from you too. Harsh I know but trust me it’s for the greater good. For those who you who like to say the most dreaded sentence have ever heard “Oh their Dad is babysitting them today”, I say He’s not babysitting they are his children it’s his responsibility to take care of them too, he doesn’t need a standing ovation and a cut lunch.

Also mums hear this DO NOT ASK for a leave pass from your children, they will undoubtedly say please don’t leave me mummy with big brown eyes filled with tears, or if you have a teenager you’re the worst mum in the world how could you leave us, whatever! Never ever ask them just discuss with your partner and do it.

For those out there that are thinking I would love to do the sabbatical thing, but I have obligations and responsibilities I can’t possibly do it. Well I’m sorry to announce obligations are choices. I recognise sometimes those obligations can have consequences, like if you don’t go to work you don’t get paid, but it doesn’t change the fact that they are still choices, some choices have more consequences then others, harsh but true.

Why would I have children just to give them to someone else, after all nobody can look after them like I can right!

Well let’s have a quick look at this now.

You’re not giving your kids away for good. It’s a week maybe two, hell even a month out of 12 months of the year.  They won’t forget you, trust me, mine haven’t yet.  They might just learn some new skills while you’re away like how to get out of bed and make their own breakfast. They may even appreciate what you do more on your return.

Let’s face it, as women we still struggle to take credit for our work, say sorry far too often and try and make most things right for others while putting our needs last most of the time. I know this is a huge generalisation but I still see us raising our kids to walk all over us like we don’t matter. I did this myself in the early days of parenting. I made sure my kid’s needs were always in front of mine regardless and it wasn’t helpful for anyone.

What I’m trying to say is that behaving like a martyr as a parent isn’t going to make you a better parent or help you raise independent, respectful humans. It just doesn’t do anything useful for anyone, it doesn’t help your child develop skills, it doesn’t get your needs met and it doesn’t win you any friends.

So now that we have the tricky stuff out of the way:

What do you need to have a successful annual mummy sabbatical?

  • A partner, who is in agreement, can see the benefits and supports somewhere between you 70-100%.
  • A reliable quality sitter or here’s a though the partner can do it if they are present.
  • A destination
  • A time-frame
  • Your few of your favourite things
  • A sense of freedom, oh and leave the guilt at home.

5 tips to ensure you have the best Mummy retreat:

  • Plan ahead of time
  • Have a backup plan in case things happen
  • Leave guilt at home
  • Try and be in the present and enjoy the moments (try not to pine for the children too much)
  • Surround yourself with people or things that make you feel good about yourself

Ideas of what to do on a Mummy Retreat

  • Visit a friend’s place
  • Go to a resort (if you can afford it)
  • Go camping take the Kombi Van out
  • Stay with a relative you like
  • Get on a plane and leave town
  • Challenge yourself at a retreat like a silent retreat.
  • Volunteer in a community (doing something you like) somewhere where nobody knows you.
  • Go to a hotel and read books or watch movies

Once I settled with myself that I wasn’t going to take on other people’s judgements of me, then what really mattered is that it worked for my family and made me a better person. Then I thought to hell with it next year I’m going to NYC for a whole 2 weeks and I did.

When I returned to my family they are happy to see me, I am happy to see them, I can see things more clearly and low and behold the earth didn’t end with my absence. Best of all I’m ready to love another day being the best parent I can be, and looking forward to planning next year’s mummy sabbatical.

Belonging Why your teenager wants to be an EMO this week!

Image

 

Now before you launch into that age old saying “Do you really have to go out of the house dressed like that” to your teenager dressed in the latest ‘emo’ clothes, consider this first.

If you have a teenager like me, it might seem like your living with about 7 different personalities in the space of an hour, but rest assured there is something significant happening here that might just mean they will grow into functioning, beautiful and amazing human beings who can see outside themselves. Before we become too judgemental, bitter and twisted about the young people of today; let’s cast our minds back to the time when Boy George and Wham were top of the charts. Big hair, shoulder pads and skinny ties were what really mattered in life. When the Live Aide Concerts really meant something and Sir Bob Geldof was just Bob.  When parents said be home before its dark and go and get a tan. These were the days, times and values that helped shape who we thought we were. These are just some of the things that gave us a sense of belonging to something or someone.   

Chances are we were searching for a sense of identity different from our parents, different from the generation before and chance are we wanted a sense of belonging somewhere other than family and home.

So my teenager has got me thinking again, what is my sense of belonging, where does it come from and why the hell is it so important to us humans? More importantly will it help me better understand my 14 year old child?

It seemed liked an easy question? Must be plenty of information about that on the net I thought! What I didn’t bank on was that figuring out my own sense of belonging wasn’t going to be an easy task.

It’s easy to know what it feels like if you don’t belong, some of us have spent time here on more than one occasion. Just ask the mothers forced to hand their babies over for adoption, the adopted children, those suffering mental illness, refugees, the disenfranchised, the only gay kid in the school, the fattest women in the gym class, the old man who has lost his wife of 40 years and in our Country (Australia), the biggest theft of belonging ever, the stolen generations.  The feelings of loneliness, longing, hopelessness, isolation, identity confusion and deep sadness plague those who don’t feel a sense of belonging. Sometimes if that sense of belonging is never realised those feelings never subside.

Belonging can mean something different to each of us according to our culture, our values and our beliefs. We can belong to people, place, self, relationships, communities, herds, tribes, and to gods the list is endless. At one stage my teenage friends and I thought we belonged as groupies of a Christian pop group, “The Travellers” and none of us were or are the least bit religious.

According to one of Australia’s best social researchers Hugh Mackay our identity is often group based. This means we often find ourselves in herds and tribes and sometimes both.

The herd he describes as a small group (6-8 people), linked by a common interest, existing to mainly nurture confidence, to maintain friendships and relationships and they reinforce our common values and prejudices. Think about your immediate family units, groups like book clubs, bands, sporting teams and Facebook groups.  Herds can have their own language and in jokes that others on the outside don’t understand.

An example of a human herd think the Kardasians!

Existing to nurture confidence and reinforce beliefs, values and relationships.

The Tribe on the other hand is on a larger scale, it has a passionate sense of identity and belonging sometimes reinforced with rituals and traditions. The tribal symbols are worn with pride and sometimes arrogance, for example symbols like body paint, markings and piercings, badges, costumes and uniforms. A tribe usually has a mission. It could be simple or complicated, one tribe’s mission might be to store enough food for the tribe, and another’s might be to increase membership to ensure survival. Tribe members have the same ideas, values and beliefs. Tribes can be enemies with other tribes, there can be stubbornness about tribes, about their beliefs and a dogma that will not be shifted. Tribes have the ability to become self-obsessed, arrogant, powerful, vulnerable and corrupt. Hatred of others is the worst of all characteristics of tribal behaviour.   Tribes also have language and jargon that makes it easier for tribal members to participate but also excludes others and reinforces power structures.

Tribes: Exist to achieve a mission based on the tribe’s values and beliefs.

For example: extended families, religious groups and sporting clubs.

According to Mackay families set the foundations for our sense of belonging in the world. Scary I know!

Today our family herds might be smaller and more single person households but we still crave that sense of belonging in the world, especially if our foundations from family were shaky. Sometimes our herds are too far away geographically from the tribes we come from (extended families) or our values no longer fit the tribe’s values. In some respects we need look no further than our home computers and phones to feel like we belong. You only have to look at the popularity of social media to see people are craving a sense of belonging that doesn’t require too much effort and time away from work and home. Look around you community, you can also see herds grazing at local coffee shops on every corner with their neighbourhood tribes. When we meet someone new we look for tribal connections by asking questions about “What school did you go to” “are you related too…”? These are short cuts so we can find our tribal members. Teenagers in a room full of older folks may look out for the only other young person identifiable by the tribal head wear ear plugs coming from the ears. 

We can sometimes become so obsessed with belonging that nothing else matters and our willingness to do whatever it takes to fit into the tribe becomes obsessive and dangerous especially where the tribe is willing to exploit this desire to please. Gangs come to mind, but so to do religions and cults. We can become so obsessed with belonging that we no longer ask questions of ourselves or others we have blind faith as this is apparent proof of loyalty. For a young person without life experience and a strong desire to belong anywhere you can see why a drug ring tribe or a street gang tribe might be appealing places to find a sense of belonging.

I remember once working with a young person who so desperately wanted to continue to work for the local drug dealer even though the consequences (continual court appearances charges and threat of imprisonment) were so detrimental to their future.  I asked the most obvious question of course, why? The answer was simple really. “I now belong somewhere”.

Until that young person worked for the local dealer they were just another young unemployed bum sitting at home smoking dope and taking up space on their mother’s sofa with no purpose or sense of hope. The drug dealer offered this young person a reason to get up in the morning, a status in the community, money to buy more drugs and have a “better” time and most importantly to that young person a sense of belonging to something bigger then poverty. “The brotherhood” was stronger than any law or family influence. Sadly he ended up in prison and he now belongs to a larger prison tribe.

We’ve all done it, gone against our values just so we can belong. I often look back to high school and think why I didn’t speak up when the popular girls picked on the isolated and disadvantaged girl with no friends. I think sadly it came down to wanting to belong and definitely not stand out. When you’re not sure of who you are and where you fit standing out from the crowd can seem like the worst option. Today I’m slightly older and wiser I realise difference is more than ok and I take pride in being the black sheep, the quirky one, the one who takes a different path. It means I have a sense of who I am and what’s really important to me and my herd.

Although I must admit even as an adult we can get taken in by ‘commercial tribalism’ and desperately want to belong to the brand club, without even knowing it.

What’s scary as a parent of a teenager today is that often there is a strong perception that the right to belong must first be earned? Some parents have to sit a test to belong to a prestigious school community sometimes before the child is even born.  Unless we are successful according to our tribes criteria (the schools criteria for enrolment, the churches criteria for “good Christian” or the sporting clubs criteria for champion) we simple feel we don’t. It’s kind of sad that we see belonging as a something that needs to be earned when belonging as a human should be a right, it’s an unconditional need. Sometimes those criteria’s to belong are so unrealistic that people are doing all sorts of things just to belong.

Parent’s sleep outside schools before enrolment day to ensure enrolment, young men and women starve themselves to meet the criteria of mainstream “beautiful” and people will work longer, harder, faster to climb the ladder of success even if family, friends and values fall off along the way. If people (especially young people) can’t reach that success to belong they can react in these ways:

  1. Drop out and hold onto that experience of failure.
  2. Find another tribe that accepts them even if that tribe is detrimental
  3. Only accept perfectionism and sadly suicide can be a casualty of this.  

The desire to belong can provide us with powerful positive experiences and make us who we want to be, but the dark side of belonging can be the pressure to conform to comply and lose all a sense of self, a sense of what matters and carry heavy shame.

I remember growing up in a low income family with young parents and living in a housing area. My mother’s family made it clear that we were the ‘poor’ element of the family even though they didn’t speak it out loud to me I felt it. I knew we didn’t quite belong. As a child I resented my parents for not being middle class and allowing us to belong to our cousins and extended family, I always sought out middle class friends and always hid the fact that we didn’t have much. My parents told me I was never satisfied but it was more than that it was that need to belong to the extended tribe, belong to that perceived idea of success.

As we grew older I was despised for claiming study allowances from the government and we were clearly the black sheep of the family for pursing education at the expense of the government.

Somewhere along the line I started to be proud of our efforts to overcome barriers to a good education and to push ourselves beyond what was expected. I started to realise that once what was a source of shame and embarrassment was now a sense of pride. I wore my working class badge with pride and still do. My values gap to the tribe was becoming more and more obvious and I started to feel good about this difference, I started to stop idolising the tribe and started to see the reality of what the tribe really believed. I realised we were better than ok and I also started to see my parents differently and stopped blaming them for being poor.

Then something happened to really concrete us as the proud black sheep of the tribe.

At the age of 39 our Dad decided to go to University. The Tribe were against this idea, sprouting righteous values about the need to work and look after your family as the most important role. The values gap grew wider at this point and the herd pulled away from the tribe. The herd were really proud of Dad for having the courage to study at this point in his life and the desire to create a better life for his family and himself. Sadly he only got to realise this dream for 2 months before he died suddenly. Today I take pride in being the black sheep it has helped to shape me and I know I belong to the fringe dwellers, those people who never really belong to the tribe.

As a parent I ask myself all the time am I providing a sense of belonging for my child, do they feel at home around me? Do they know where to come in times of trouble, do they feel safe and do they know who they are and where they come from? Perhaps I need to ask this more often to my teenager and if the answer is no, then maybe I shouldn’t be so afraid to ask, how can I do it differently so you feel you belong.

 

I wonder if we are really honest as parents we might ask, are we too distracted in this modern age today as to take the time to provide a sense of belonging for our young.

 

Ultimately all I really want for my young is for them to be able to explore their identities in safe and unharmful ways. So what If they like wearing emo clothing, listening to punk rock, or dressing like Lady Gaga, something significant is happening they are carving out an identity, exploring where they belong. As long as they always know they have a place to call home, a place to belong and a herd they belong to just because  they are who they are and nothing more.

Image

 

International Women’s Day 2013 – An open letter to my friends.

Dear female friends,

I am writing to you to thank you for a thousand reasons on International Women’s Day this year; simply because I don’t think I say it enough. Although I don’t have the space to include the thousands of reasons why I think you’re awesome and why I’m glad you’re my friend I will start with the most obvious.

First of all I want to thank you for putting up with me when I’m not my best, when I’m sad or angry or just down right obnoxious. Your forgiveness and patience is what makes me think you’re amazing.

Thank you for being there in the wee hours when I needed to cry down the phone or email someone because of a crisis. Thank you for reminding me in the darkest hours “that this too will pass”. Thank you for contacting me just when I need you without me asking.

Thank you for being honest with me and letting me know I am not alone when I scream at my kids and make horrible mistakes as a parent and human being. Thank you for re-assuring me that I’m human and it’s ok to make mistakes as long as I am learning from them.

Thank you for being so honest that you point out things that I have missed. Thank you for telling me to think before I send that email, write that post or perhaps had I considered another way? Thank you for telling me to pull my bloody head in.

Thank you for pointing out that my body is just fine how it is and that you love me for my qualities not for how big my butt is. Thank you for laughing with me when I try and squeeze into a dress that may be a tad bit tight and look like a sausage.

Thank you for watching reality shows with me and joining me for pathetic grand final episodes so I am not alone in my pathetic love of reality TV.

Thank you for preparing me for death, helping me learn from you on how to handle the most tragic circumstances that no human should have to endure. Thank you for showing me survival does happen even in the worst situations.

Thank you for making me laugh so hard I pee myself and can’t control my belly laugh. I think these laughs are essential in living and you provided that necessity.

Thank you for standing up for what’s ours, the injustices and being a voice for the women without voices you inspire me to do more.

Thank you mostly for seeing me for who I really am and not trying to change me or make me be someone I’m not.

Most of all thank you for taking the time to be my friend you are my inspiration.Thank you

Love your friend Tracey xxoo

Enoughism Already! Consumerism and parenting: the impact on our children.

“There is enough on earth for everybody’s needs, but not for everybody’s greed”- Ghandi.

I have now started this blog ten times over. What I didn’t expect when I started to write about consumerism and parenting was that it would have a profound impact on me not only as a parent, but also as a human being. What an internal struggle it has created for my head, my heart and, my conscious and not to mention my relationships to people and the world around me. Is it any wonder I struggled with coming to terms with my consumerism as a parent. I was born in the 70’s and mostly grew up in the affluent 80’s. My Parents were young and didn’t have a lot of money; in fact the only people around me who appeared to be rich were those on the TV shows like the Brady Bunch. We were not dirt poor but we didn’t have much to go around. I remember my sister telling me I use to play a game with her called Julie and Janes. Julie who I played was rich and had all the finer things in life, Jane was poor and often had to steal from Julie, the game usually ended with Jane going to Jail and Julie relaxing in her holiday house. So there it was from an early age I believed success = money and things. I do remember on many occasions my parent’s arguing about money or the lack of it, therefore I reinforced in my little head again money and lots of it = happiness.

Writing for this blog has meant I have had to visit places of myself that I really didn’t want to look at. I have had to examine 30 odd years of assumptions and come to terms with the fact that I have had an impact in shaping my children’s views on what’s important in life, sometimes not in the way I had hoped. I always had a belief that because we didn’t have much as children, that my children would not go without. Little did I understand until now was that not having much shaped my sister and me into the creative, independent, successful women we are today and having stuff does not equal happiness.

Now all this may sound a tad dramatic to those of you who are already wise about all things involving consumerism, but for me it was a rude uncomfortable awakening. 

The catalyst was Christmas 2012. Social media helped me have a moment of clarity I hadn’t had before about consumerism and helped me to discover that I could think differently about this.  While I was sifting through the many photos of my Facebook friend’s children on Christmas morning, I had this nagging judgemental voice say, “Wow way too many presents for one child”. Alongside this in my news feed I saw starving children struggling to have enough to eat and drink on Christmas day. I saw more clearly the huge gulf between the haves and have nots and began to feel ill. Had I become what I judged in others?

As I lay on my comfortable brand name pillow in my brand name bed, questions like “What’s happening when a 13 year old in Australia is upset with her new IPAD because it’s not the latest mini IPAD and a 13 year old in Haiti just wants a clean drink of water?” Have we as parents of western children created consumerist monsters?  So I thought I would check in with my partner to ease my conscious and guilt and ask him to reassure myself I wasn’t one of “those parents”.

Well it’s fair to say I was just a little defensive when my husband’s response was “well you realise that you can be just as excessive at Christmas time with our children, right? Well no, I hadn’t realised.  I was gobsmacked! Was I really doing what I had judged only days earlier? I knew I had to take a step back and, as uncomfortable as it was, take a good hard look at myself.

So that’s what I have been doing in my head recently, observing myself, undoing myself, examining myself, questioning myself, blaming myself, tying myself in knots, letting guilt find its way into my parenting and on occasions seeing things clearly, and I’m not finished yet.

To help us all understand that word consumerism, let’s have a brief look at what consumerism really is and how it is impacting on us as parents. Here is a KISS (Keep it simple sweetheart) definition of consumerism:

(1)    “A preoccupation with and an inclination towards the buying of consumer goods.” (Source: choosethewayyouwanttolive.blog.spot.com.au)

(2)    People rich and poor alike, attempt to impress others and seek to gain advantage through “conspicuous consumption” and the ability to engage in “conspicuous leisure”… creating “conspicuous waste”  (Source: Torstein Bunde Veblen Norwegian Sociologist)

We have reached a point where we want more and more and more, bigger, faster, stronger purchases at our finger tips with endless choice. Some might say this is a good thing and at first glance it appears it is; but if we dig deeper this is what we find.

We are no longer satisfied with spending our hard earned dollars on the basics in life, a home, food, clothing, work and family. We now crave “the lifestyle” we have been told is essential to living a “good and happy” life. Shinier cars, bigger boats, expensive holidays, regular eating out, hundreds of electronic gadgets, the latest brands, frequent fast food, reputable schools and sexier must have brand name clothing, accessories and appliances. We are conditioned from such an early age (some experts even believe advertising starts in the womb) with marketing to believe these things in life are absolute essentials in making us happier, healthier and, most importantly, successful. Not only do we want these things but we want them in excess, one TV per household is not enough today we must have one in every room, including the bathroom. Fast food once a treat is now available 24/7 and considered an everyday meal, a snack and a staple. I was talking with a friend the other day and he informed me that there are kid’s apps out there where you need to pay real money to move to the next level of competition. The car game app requires you as the parent to pay real money for virtual fuel, to fuel your virtual car on the virtual app; I wonder is there a virtual prize, probably yes. It’s no wonder we feel virtually overwhelmed!

Oxfam recently released the report “The Cost of Inequality: How Wealth and Income Extremes Hurt Us All”, http://www.oxfam.org/sites/www.oxfam.org/files/cost-of-inequality-oxfam-mb180113.pdf  the report outlined how the extreme concentration of wealth for a few actually hinders the world’s efforts in reducing poverty. So we can have all the world aide concerts we like with Bono and Sir Bob but at the end of the day if we have 100 of the world’s richest people earning more than 240 billion (enough money to end extreme poverty) we really have no hope. There is good news for those 100 billionaires however. If they are looking to invest why not try the luxury goods market, it has seen double digit growth for the past 5 years, when other industries are dying. This alone paints a real picture of inequality. Ok, so this is pretty depressing stuff from where I’m standing, so I figured I had better start thinking about alternatives and solutions if I was really going to make changes as a parent.  I also had to dig deeper. While I know this intellectual stuff about consumerism, why did I still participate fully in the consumerist madness, why couldn’t I change my behaviour?

Why do we feel the need to go bigger, faster, stronger expensive and more, more and more?

To answer this question I had to look at what drives me as a human being first. We all have a need to belong to something, somewhere, somehow; whether that sense of belonging is to a person, a land or a concept like religion. We have also been socialised to want variety and some level of control over our lives. The mass media, marketing and advertising companies know this all too well. They have studied us long and hard and they want to fulfil those needs with things that make them lots of money.  Shopping for example provides us today with endless choice and a false sense that we are making choices about our purchases. It also provides us with a fleeting moment of perceived happiness. Think about this for a moment. If companies selling us stuff lead us to believe we are only happy if we have the latest and best, and this message is feed it to us frequently and often enough through a variety of sources and reinforced by family and friends, then it’s not hard to believe. They tell us we need it to stay healthier, to be better people, to provide better for our families, to be happier, sexier, more desirable and, the best one for busy people, it makes life easier. The ironic thing is more and more stuff doesn’t make life easier, it makes it more complicated. We know this because every time we buy a new piece of gym equipment for those abs we absolutely need, it doesn’t make life easier. We stress over not doing it enough, feel guilty, and end up parking another piece of equipment in the garage behind the treadmill!

Charles Kettering, once a Director of General Motors US, always told his staff “keep the customer dissatisfied”. Now Charles wasn’t a stupid man, he knew that if he made us believe our cars weren’t good enough in the long run, he could bring out a new, upgraded car in the future and we would all be back to purchase it. Apple does it beautifully, releasing new products to outdate current products almost before they are a year old, in turn, making us believe we need the next best thing.

If as parent’s we believe our kids are not smart enough, not skinny enough, not popular enough, not fast enough, not beautiful enough, not funny enough, not stylish enough, not competitive enough and not intelligent enough, we invest in solutions. We hunt down the best products and services to improve our offspring so that they will be successful. If you’re thinking no way, that’s not me, I love my child just the way they are, take a look in your bathroom cupboard, on your kid’s computers and devices and in the sports bags. I’m pretty sure you have fallen into the trap just like me. Did you get your child braces so they had better teeth? Did you invest in tutoring? Did you buy them the latest software for school? Did you put them on a diet? I mean seriously, I think I even purchased a book called how to win your child friends. What was I thinking?! I was thinking what they wanted me to think…..we are not good enough; therefore, I need to consume more things to make us good enough.

If you’re thinking that this consumerism thing is only about middle class people, think again. We all want to seek pleasure now and then. Unfortunately, what we have been taught is that pleasure costs money and you need to purchase it from a recognisable and “trusted” chain. When you’re living in poverty, which I have done before, you become isolated because you often feel you can’t participate in the pleasurable activities that others are engaging in. Going out for dinner isn’t an option, nor is a holiday with friends, these are just too far out of reach. Instead the marketing world has it all worked out for you, so you don’t have to worry! They know you can’t afford an overseas holiday so they market to your so called needs. Fast food, tobacco, alcohol and pharmaceutical products all do well in low socio-economic areas. Why? Because you may not be able to afford a holiday but you can afford to buy the kids MacDonald’s. That makes you a great parent in their eyes and makes you feel like your children are not losing out in life. Guilt is kept at bay, be it just for a short while. As harsh as this may sound, it’s the truth tobacco companies know cigarettes will sell well in low socio economic communities under stress. They make you believe that just for a moment you too can have pleasure on a low income. It really does suck, but when you’re living from pay to pay you try to seek pleasure where you can because you just never know when it will come again. For all those people out there tut tutting people on low incomes because they want TV’s, cigarettes, fast food and alcohol, consider what it might be liked to be trapped in poverty and have marketing flashed in your face day after day saying you need this to be happy but you can’t afford it. Now this is a generalisation but it is also real when you look at tobacco figures for the last 20 years.

Unfortunately, as humans in the western world we have also been taught to measure success from how much money we have and how many things we have compared to our friends and neighbours. If you’re thinking, “well, we don’t try and keep up with the Jones’”, think for a minute. If you have a teenager, what was the last thing you purchased for them and why did they want it? Most of the time it’s because they need what everyone else has so they belong. I recently purchased school uniforms for my kids for hundreds and hundreds of dollars at the school uniform shop so they didn’t stand out, and blended in. I wondered had my values gone slightly off the rails when I drum into them every other day “be an individual dance to the beat of your own drum son!”, yeah, right, mum! 

The sad part is to maintain this perceived sense of belonging, pleasure and happiness we need to keep consuming, which means we need to work harder and longer and spend more time away from our families and friends and usually in jobs we don’t really enjoy. I’m lucky enough to be in a job I do enjoy but I do wonder sometimes how I will ever climb out of this trap of working, spending, debt, working, spending, and debt. This endless cycle of debt is apparently what’s measured as success or otherwise known as the great Australian dream (the mortgage). This is where I really start to freak out because if what I have been told all my life about success isn’t true, then what is? Can we ever go back to being happy with the basics in life just like the Sullivans were in the 1940’s?

Probably what worries me most is what it’s doing to us as human beings when people are trampled to death in Boxing Day sales, Black Friday sales and click frenzy frenzies. There is seriously something that has gone wrong with our world.

What are the Impacts on our kids if we keep consuming this way?

Consumption has become such an unquestioned way of life that the buy nothing day campaign seems like a radical idea to most of us. What? You want me to buy nothing for a whole day, are you serious?!

 Here are just a few of the impacts and consequences of a consumerist culture on our next generation:

  • As parents we are behaving in ways that says to our children “I am what I have”; both they and we interpret this as the guide to defining self. Do we really want our children to find their sense of self through things they acquire? Wouldn’t we rather they concentrate on their qualities as a person to find their sense of self?
  • If we say that success is about making money to buy lots of nice stuff, are we creating a generation that looks inwards and is narcissistic? Does this mean we will have a whole generation of people out for themselves not contributing to their communities, not able to build lasting relationships or not able to feel happy in the moment?
  • Are we helping to create a disposable culture and a generation that creates more waste for the planet to dispose of? Are we doing them out of skills by not asking them to fix things but rather just throw things away and buy another thing? If we are doing this, then will the fixers of the world die out? Will skills of great importance like carpentry and problem solving disappear? One things for sure, the increase in waste and packaging will eventually destroy our children’s and our grandchildren’s environment.
  • Are we helping to create a “look good culture” where the outside needs to look good despite the emptiness on the inside? Do we really want this empty future for our children?
  • Are we raising our children’s expectations to the point where they believe they are entitled just because they breathe? When they move from home into a share house will they expect new furniture and belongings or will they accept the useful second hand furniture handed to them from supportive friends and family?  
  • Isn’t it our job to teach our children to be independent, to contribute to their communities, in a positive way?

Ok, so it’s looking pretty bleak at this point if I continue to consume in the same way I have in the past. Not just for me, but for my children, it will undoubtedly end in tears. It’s almost impossible to live in the western world and not consume in some way. So the question for me is how do I limit my participation? When I do consume, how do I do it reasonably and ethically? How do I turn my attitudinal change into behavioural change? Not the easiest challenge I have set myself.

The no spend challenge:

I’ve decided to set myself a challenge or two. The first challenge was to figure out why I needed to make a change and I have been pondering this recently. The biggest driver for me was to pass on the real values that matter on to my children, but more importantly, live those values. Those values (the opposite of consumerism); sustainability, community, respect, connecting to others and having meaningful relationships. This little (dare I say it) journey, has lead me to re-examine who I am, what I value and how I want my children to see in me.

The second part of the challenge is to take a leaf out of the beautiful bird’s blog where the “No Purchase Plan Challenge” was set. So I will be embarking on a no spend challenge, not purchasing anything for me (except for essentials, food, toiletries and I’m really hanging onto coffee), until the end of the financial year, June 30th. The challenge will require me to monitor my consumption, promote the simple things in life and be raising awareness about unethical consumerism.

Please pledge with me, I need support, if you think you can do it too. We can support each other and swap ideas! I will continue to let the blog audience know how I’m going; the good, the bad and the ugly of the challenge will be documented. Please don’t applaud me because I want to make it clear that this challenge will be really hard for me and I’m definitely scared of failure.

10 things Parents can do to not reduce consumption and reduce participation in consumerism:

  1. Buy Nothing – Take a challenge or sign my pledge
  2. Buy less – Try having some household consumption reduction goals and get the children to help and make it a challenge each month. See who can make things last longer, fix things or save money.
  3. Edit your possessions – Go through your home and ask yourself if I lived on a small boat and I could only keep a handful of things, what would I keep? We live with too many things, our homes are stuffed full of stuff. Our kids have many possessions, so many that they have trouble appreciating what they do have. Try to reduce your paper by viewing bills and statements online and putting documents on electronic devices.
  4. Stop comparing yourself to others – Easier said than done I know; but the moment we stop trying to keep up with the Jones’ we will feel a heavy weight lift off our shoulders. Let the guilt go, the children will be fine without the latest brands, they will survive. They might even get creative about the no name brand items they have to use and wear. Stop trying to make you and your family, prettier, smarter, thinner and wiser by buying crap. Accept that your good enough already. You don’t need another ab crusher or wrinkle cream from the shopping channel.
  5. Buy wisely – If you need to buy, buy locally at small farmer’s markets and shops where your dollar goes towards your local community. Buy a product that will go the distance and is off quality. Ask how ethical is this product? Has it been made with child labour? Is a multinational making millions from this product produced by a child?  Try to reduce packaging, buy products that don’t have masses of plastic packaging. If you buy furniture make sure it will last and stand up to children. Space save by buying a sofa bed or folding furniture so your house doesn’t have to be a mac mansion. For presents, consider giving a gift that continues to give. For example, look for businesses that donate something to a developing nation every time you purchase. 
  6. Home gown – Start a veggie garden, grow your own food and produce your own produce to swap or sell at markets. Use the produce to do more cooking at home. Get some chickens and have your own sunny side up eggs. The skies the limit!
  7. Reduce your fuel consumption – Do you really need three cars to a household? Sell a car if you don’t need it. Car pool for work and play. Ride bikes where possible and here’s an idea, make the children walk to school! Try catching the public transport with the children. 
  8. Sharing – Try a system where you share things – toy library, clothes swapping parties, free gift exchanges and re-gifting, share meals with the neighbours and friends. The possibilities are endless. Try errand and task networks. Swap skills for things that you need. Some workplaces are sharing workspaces and parking spots with other workplaces to save costs. Almost anything you can buy new you can either borrow or rent from a stranger.
  9. Try a smaller home – Less = more, some bright spark said once. Less furniture to fill it, less cleaning products to clean it, less maintenance to maintain it and more time for fun.
  10. Live in the moment – Try to recognise happiness in the moment, don’t hang on for the next best moment, it may never come. Enjoy the ones you have right in front of you. When you’re feeling good take a moment to take it all in. Smell, feel, see and touch the moment before it passes. Recognising you’re in a happy moment means you’re already there, you’re already happy.
  11. Replace your craving for consumerism – with something else more meaningful; find something your passionate about, like giving back by volunteering or joining a team sport. Spend time with the children or just go about doing random acts of kindness.
  12. Say goodbye to people who devalue you – After you have tried making changes; consider who you want in your life and who has similar value and belief systems to you.  Ask yourself why you might hold onto friendships that are directly opposite to your beliefs. Is it for the status, the image or the materialistic benefits? Encourage your children to seek out relationships that are based on qualities they admire, rather than being friends with the person with the most X box games.

Despite how hard the challenges are for me, above all it’s going to be worthwhile for me, my family, my community, and hopefully our planet. It’s just a small step in the right direction. I’m just making a positive change as a parent and trying to undo some of the damage I have already done.

Image